I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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