my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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