"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
