Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
