you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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