i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
