Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
