last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I need a beard to bite.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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