u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
