Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Randomize
