Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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