Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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