I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
