Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
