Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
