discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
