The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
