I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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