Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
