You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
