I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
