My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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