brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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