We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
