u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
