He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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