FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
