If i come over, it means nothing
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
