I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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