youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
