im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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