I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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