rhymes with "ouble enetration"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
