Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
