you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
