Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
