shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
