i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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