i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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