yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
so let's talk penis.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
