This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
