I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
