i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
