my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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