I am spending my child support on dildos
it was like eating out sand paper
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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