"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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