filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
