I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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