she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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