Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize