you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
