proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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