i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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