Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
