Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
