So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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