Too much gin, very little bucket
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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