I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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