I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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