I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
