I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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